So I was driving by and happened to notice a bunch of shiny metal things poking into the sky and moving around and since those shiny things were at Westerner Park I deduced that the Westerner Days fair is in town.  

This coincidentally coincided with an article I happened to read that very day that practically shouted in capital letters and two exclamation marks:  ALPEN FURY – WORLD RECORD-BREAKING LAUNCH COASTER OPENS IN CANADA!!  

So of course since the coincidental connection was a tantalizing coincidence and I very much like coincidences I had to engage in some steadfast research to see exactly what the heck an ‘Alpen Fury’ is and how it compares to the juiciest rides at our fair Fair.  Also, I wondered what the most recent world record Canada is breaking because it always breaks the world record for being the best country on the planet.

So in two clicks of a dead lamb’s tail my computer told me that Alpen refers to the Alps or any high mountain range and that a famous humongous amusement park just north of Toronto called Canada’s Wonderland has created a humongous fake mountain and a humongous real roller coaster to run through and around it.  And this rockin’ roller coaster is Fury-ous!  Touted as the tallest, fastest and longest launch coaster EVER.  

This maniac machine races to 115 km/h (breaking the QE2 speed limit), blasts you 50 meters high (equivalent to a 17 story building) and wrenches you upside down NINE times (more than eight times)!  And if that isn’t enough to jeopardize your lunch, it’s a ‘launch coaster’ (which doesn’t necessarily mean it guarantees to launch your lunch, but it tries).  

In all my years of religiously rockin’ the rides at every Red Deer Fair and Westerner Days since Mr. Ferris invented the Wheel I’ve never seen a “launch” coaster on our midway.  If I had, I certainly would have given it a go, and more than once.  Because I finally got launched by a coaster in Disneyland (The Happiest Launch on Earth!) on one of our early trips there and I must say, I like the launch as much or more than the “hill”.  

For those of you coaster creatures that are somehow unfamiliar with launching, basically you sit in the roller coaster shaking in your boots, and there’s a 3 -2-1 and… BOOM! Suddenly, you are shot down the track like a bullet.  Launched into horizontal space like a rocket sled, exerting many G forces, squishing your face and a number of internal organs – and that’s only the beginning of the glorious madness.

Now I’m not maligning the old-fashioned ‘hill’ roller coaster that at first tricks you into a false sense of reduced anxiety by chug chug chugging slowly and innocently up a long uphill track and then mercilessly builds excruciating tension until you’re ready to explode and then finally reaches the top, hanging there for a no-turning-back-now instant and then suddenly YEOWWWW! Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation takes over, and you go roaring down the hill, and you hear someone screaming at the top of their lungs, and by the time you get to the first upside-down loop, you realize it’s YOU that’s screaming like a teenager at a Scream movie.

But no, I don’t plan to be taking on the record-breaking Alpen Fury coaster, there’s more than enough action at the Westerner.   I’m thinking of squeezing into a seat on the roller coaster over there that usually has a big purple dinosaur or a shiny red dragon up front and goes up and down about five feet at about eight km/hr.  I’m sure the kids won’t mind.

Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Reach out to Harley with any thoughts or ideas at harleyhay99@gmail.com.