British people on home soil may be known for their love of queuing and saying sorry when there’s nothing to apologise for, but Brits abroad are a different beast.
Rowdy, puce and generally lacking in respect for local sensibilities, we’ve worked hard to earn our bad reputation on the continent. And locals have had enough.
Unless we pull our socks up, our days on the Med may be numbered. Follow this guide to Euro summer etiquette and you might spare yourself the wrath of a water gun.
Wear a shirt when you’re not on the beach
Non merci! Several resort towns in France have banned off-beach shirtlessness
Pexels
The French may be in favour of beachside breast baring, but they’re not so keen on town centre torsos. Several seaside towns in France, including Cassis near Marseille, have banned men from walking around shirtless in town.
Anyone who flouts the rules could face a €150 fine. So next time you go from the beach to the boulangerie, cover up those pectorals. Ladies, you too.
Learn basic restaurant vocab
Even if you mess up, you will endear yourself more to waiters if you try to order in the native language. You only really need to learn the words “can I have” and “thank you” – the rest should be laid out for you on the menu.
This becomes tricky if they give you a separate English menu, which often has bizarre translations anyway, making you sound like even more of a grockle when you order “cold tomato soup” instead of gazpacho. In that case, request un menú Español por favor.
Respect local coffee customs
A cup of Lavazza espresso coffee. (Alamy/PA)
I was at a cafe in Mallorca recently watching in awe as an English lad barked “white chocolate latte” in the face of a bamboozled barista. As she gathered her colleagues to try and decipher this strange request, he just kept repeating it. “White chocolate latte! White chocolate latte!”
We do all sorts of criminal things to our coffee, but they take this stuff more seriously in Europe.
In Italy, you should only have milky coffee at breakfast, if at all. After lunch and dinner, it’s either an espresso, or a macchiato if you absolutely must. Otherwise the waiter will wrinkle his nose in horror and probably spit in your cappuccino. If you’re in Spain, ask for a cortado after meals (equal parts espresso and frothy milk).
Italians also do not understand iced lattes. Don’t provoke them. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a boiling hot espresso, a separate jug of milk and two ice cubes which melt instantly. The Greeks, however, love an iced coffee with frothy milk. Just make sure you call it a “freddo”.
Stay in a place meant for tourists
One of the biggest gripes of the anti-tourism protesters is that holiday rental platforms like Airbnb have sent property prices soaring and created a housing shortage. Buildings which used to house families are being replaced by short-term rentals, hollowing out community life and enforcing the ambient hell of people lugging their suitcases up the stairs. If possible, try to stay in a local hotel or hostel.
Slather on the factor 50 for everyone’s sake
The Inbetweeners
Being sunburnt is bad for you and visually distressing for others. Just accept that you weren’t made for this climate and slather on the factor 50.
Resist going to the Instagram spot you watched a Reel about
It only takes one viral video of an unspoilt beach or a pretty viewpoint for the masses to descend. Previously quiet coves in Italy are now heaving with people vying to copy some influencer’s picture there.
There are actual queues just to walk down the street in Santorini, the island in Greece whose blue topped buildings you will have seen all over your feed. Move against the current, don’t fall for the hype, and definitely don’t post your own ‘I found this amazing secret beach/town/ice cream shop’ video.
Don’t wear an inflatable penis costume on your stag do
…Especially if you’re going to the stag and hen nirvana of the Costa Brava. Last year the resort town of Platja D’Aro banned penis suits and other “accessories representing human genitals”, citing their impact on “the community’s coexistence”.
Cocksure rulebreakers face fines of up to €1500. Hey, some might call that a buzzkill, but how would you like it if you walked out your door every evening to find a a parade of inflatable penises?
