It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for another edition of the Internet’s No. 1 column for obsessing over life’s smallest inconveniences, The Gripe Report.
It’s hard to believe that we have passed the halfway point of June, which means we are right in the midst of road trip season.
Is there anything more American than a road trip? Aside from baseball, of course… and hot dogs… and apple pie… also bald eagles and lighting illegal fireworks in your driveway using a cigarette.
But aside from those things I just mentioned, nothing.
Have a gripe? Send it in: matthew.reigle@outkick.com
The thing about a road trip is that the journey is often just as memorable as the destination, but it can be ruined a lot easier if you’re with the wrong people.
So, to make sure you steer clear of a road trip with the wrong kinds of people, here are seven of the worst kinds of people in which to pile into a mint-condish 2022 Kia Forte and hit the open road.
I know we stopped at the last one, but would you mind swinging into that rest station up ahead?” (Getty images)
People Who Constantly Have To Use The Bathroom
I understand we’re going to make some stops to pee or, god forbid, rip a deuce in a highway service plaza, but there’s nothing worse than having to make overly frequent stops because one member of your traveling party has no idea how to pace his or her beverage intake.
Like, for instance, coffee is an important part of most road trips, especially those that involve driving early in the morning or late at night. However, coffee can also be a fickle mistress. If you know that you’ll have to pay the band within 20 to 30 minutes of drinking it, perhaps — for the sake of those traveling with you — don’t slam an Americano right before you jump in the car for a 9-hour road trip to the beach.
I feel like a stop every two to three hours to pee and stretch your legs is the absolute maximum frequency, and that even sounds pretty generous the more I think about it.
As I said, you need to plan, and if that means keeping an empty Gatorade bottle in the back of the car in case of an emergency, so be it.
Bad DJs
If there’s one thing that is most likely to cause some sort of argument or friction on a road trip, it’s going to be the music selection.
That’s why being in charge of the aux cord, radio station, or Spotify playlist is an important job. You’re not just in charge of tunes; it’s a peacekeeping mission.
But nothing is as annoying as someone who has no clue how to DJ to the crowd and keep everyone happy.
Everyone has different musical tastes, so the DJ’s job is to dial in the music so that it hits smack-dab in the middle of everyone’s musical taste Venn diagram.
I mean, you may like douchey, repetitive electronic dance music, but if you play that for the entire trip, there’s a good chance your fellow travelers will “accidentally” leave you behind while you’re busy browsing the Slim Jim selection at the next stop for gas.
The key to this is variety. You need a little rock, some country, some pop, some classics, all mixed together. That way, if someone hates pop or can’t stand country, they only have to deal with it for a couple of minutes.
And by the way, this is not the time to flex your musical knowledge or dust off some deep cuts no one knows. You want to go with tunes that people will know and that they can sing along to.
Not sing too much though, because…
Singing along to a song is one thing, but the second you veer into trying to get those in the car with you to notice your singing, you’ve gone too far. (Getty Images)
People Who Sing In The Car Like It’s Going To Get Them Sent To Hollywood On American Idol
Now, I’m not saying you can’t sing. We all like to do a little karaoke in our cars (unless that miserable James Corden is sitting in the passenger seat, ruining the fun). I mean, even I like to do my neat little party trick where I sing both parts of “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog.
What I’m talking about is people who really try to sing because they’re praying that someone else in the car says, “Hey, you’re actually pretty good at that,” so they can go, “You think so? I mean, I have been thinking about going to an open mic night…”
Look, it’s a long car ride. The rest of the people in the car are just trying to kill time until you get to Disney World or Yellowstone or your grandma’s funeral. They’re not there to validate your dreams of stardom.
If you’re going to sing, you’ve got to keep it light and fun. I’d better not see anyone do that move where you plug one ear so you can hear yourself better when you try to nail the high note in “Take On Me.”
The Navigator Who Doesn’t Take Their Job Seriously
On a road trip, not everyone can just sit back and enjoy the ride. Sometimes you’ve got a job to do.
Obviously, the driver is doing most of the heavy lifting, but there are some other important jobs, and I’d say the most important of these non-driving roles is navigator.
You are essentially the co-pilot. In the age of infotainment screens, you won’t have to sit there with an atlas or a TripTik from AAA in your lap, but you may have to find an alternative route or watch the GPS to let the driver know when to take an exit.
This is an important job, and I feel like too many people get caught admiring the scenery or liking chicks’ photos on Instagram and inadvertently abandon their post when needed the most.
As a driver, the last thing you want is your navigator not giving you a proper heads-up about a highway exit, forcing you to blindly turn across several lanes of traffic to get to it or risk a multi-hour detour.
Persistent Flatulators
I mean… kind of self-explanatory, right?
Picky Eaters
At some point on your journey, you’re going to have to get some grub. Of course, you’re probably going to pack a few snacks and some beverages in a cooler, but sometimes you want to take a break and have a meal.
Unfortunately, a picky eater is going to make deciding on a place a chore.
The reality is you’re going to have to roll with the punches when picking a restaurant on the road. For instance, last summer, en route to North Carolina, I wanted to stop at Buc-ee’s in South Carolina for a brisket sammich. However, when we pulled in, the place was packed full of fellow travelers and we got out of there so fast.
So, where did we end up? Several exits up I-95 at the slowest McDonald’s I’ve ever been to in my goddamn life. This was one year ago, and for all I know, they might still be preparing my Big Mac.
The point is, when you need to pick a place, the last thing you want is someone making the decisions difficult because they don’t like a certain type of food, don’t want to eat at that specific restaurant, or have a serious allergy.
We’re trying to get to our destination as quickly as possible, so just shut up, eat your Subway sammich, and let’s keep it moving.
They probably made her sit in the back for too long and that’s why she’s puking into a crumpled paper bag. (Getty Images)
Guy Who Gets Sick If He’s Not Driving Or Riding Shotgun (Read: Me)
I’ve been calling out a lot of other people, so it’s only fair I call out myself because I am a “Guy who gets sick if he’s not driving or riding shotgun” Guy.
It’s not my fault that I get queasy if I don’t have a big, spacious windshield right in front of me to look through, but it’s also not my fault that my weak stomach means I need the preferred in-car real estate or I’m going to throw up into a Wendy’s bag.
However, from other people’s perspectives, I get why it would be irritating to travel with me. The fact that I was blessed with a propensity for motion sickness means they’re likely relegated to the backseat.
If there’s a bright side, it’s that it frees you up from having any of the more involved road trip jobs like driving or navigating, leaving you with one of the less-intensive jobs like manning the cooler or a bag of snacks.
…
There you have it, steer clear of those monsters and your road trip will be just fine… probably.
Be sure to send in your gripes for a future edition of The Gripe Report by emailing them to: matthew.reigle@outkick.com
