Dear Eric: Three friends and I are planning an eight-day cruise in January.
Two other people found out about the trip and are now coming as well. We are fine with that but are not looking to make it a larger group and I am definitely not looking to turn into the “cruise director” for the group as often seems to happen.
There is one friend that we feel is going to be very upset when she finds out about the cruise and feel personally excluded. And to be honest she kind of was.
While we have been careful not to talk about the trip in general so as not to encourage other people to say they want to come along, we have very specifically not mentioned the trip to this person because she tends to be very negative and those of us going on the trip can really only take her in small doses.
Sad to say, none of us really want to spend what should be a fun vacation with her bringing us down. She doesn’t see this behavior in herself but everyone else does.
I’m torn whether to mention this trip to her in advance or let her find out about it on her own, most likely from social media. And if I let the information drop, I’m not sure how to do it. I know she’s going to be upset either way. Any advice?
– Anxious Cruiser
Dear Cruiser: I’d be inclined to suggest you say nothing if it weren’t for the sticky issue of the truth. It’s perfectly fine for a subset of a friend group to decide to do something that doesn’t necessarily involve the rest of the group. Bruised feelings might occur, but this isn’t in and of itself a betrayal.
But you’ve purposefully been trying to exclude this one friend, something that she might correctly infer should she find out about the trip through social media.
This is your right, of course, but you have to own your choices. To that end, think about what you personally desire from this friendship. It won’t help you to speak for the group – and hearing “we all think this…” never feels great. But you have an individual connection to this friend that may or may not be damaged by the group’s decision. Let that connection guide your actions.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
