Then my husband, Geordie, looks down at the phone and sees a tattooed arm (which definitely doesn’t belong to our two-year-old) moving across the screen of the phone left in the bedroom. Someone else is in our hotel room. Geordie hurtles off. A few frantic minutes later, I find him trying to get his heart rate back to normal. It turns out that a cleaner had been putting some Lindt chocolates beside our bed. Various lessons can be learnt here but, for starters, if you are going to leave a toddler unattended in your hotel room, first put the “Do not disturb” sign on the door and sacrifice the chocs.

Tenerife is a great option for young families

Laura Pullman and her husband, Geordie, with their son, Reggie

Slack parenting methods aside, this holiday was chosen largely with Reggie in mind: a buckets and spades break with no time difference, a short (ish) flight and (practically) guaranteed good weather. In mid-March not many places tick those boxes besides Tenerife, which is perhaps why our friends who’re also in the young family phase keep going there. It’s a four-hour flight, on the same time zone as the UK and, if you stay in the more touristy southern part of the island, the sun is likely to have his hat on. In my mind this time of life is precious. With no children of school age yet, we can avoid overly expensive flights (we paid £763 for three return flights from Gatwick) and the crowds that come in the school holidays.

The Ritz-Carlton Abama’s swimming pools are mostly empty outside of school holidays

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The hotel’s multiple pools are largely empty, the oceanfront tables at breakfast are free and Abama beach is busy but not overly so. A small train takes you down the resort’s hillside to the beach cove. On our first day, we meet a German father with his three-year-old daughter who are riding the train up and down for the morning without ever getting off. It’s funny how the goalposts of a successful holiday change once children come along.

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We spend three days at the Ritz-Carlton bouncing between the pools, the playground and the beach where Reggie meets Ronnie, a British toddler friend. Gangster twins in their UPF 50+ swimsuits.

I tag out of parenting for a few hours to escape to the spa. Ingrid the masseuse gives me the Earth, Wind and Fire treatment, the massage for people who feel like they must earn a massage. To begin, you receive a gentle sandpapering with lava sand poured over your body and exfoliated off. Warning: do not get sunburnt before this treatment. Then comes the indulgent bit, the massage with hot stones, hot hands and hot towels.

Hunting lizards on a hike

A 20-minute drive north up the coast is Santiago del Teide, where we walk the Chinyero trail (named after the looming volcano) among the pink-blossomed almond trees and wild flowers. The hike is rebranded as a “Lizard Hunt” for the toddler, which keeps spirits high for the two-hour loop up the rocky terrain, across farm plots and vineyards and, at one point, through some beehives. (The buzzing builds, I close my mouth, get Reggie on my shoulders and run.) We get briefly lost, end up in a valley of cacti and have to turn back on ourselves just as the midday heat is picking up. “A fun little detour,” says Geordie, the chief map-reader.

The cliffs of Los Gigantes tower 800m above black-sand beaches

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Back in the car for another 20 minutes to the coast to Los Gigantes to see the 800m towering cliffs and black-sand beaches below. With tired legs, we reach the trail’s head to get a proper cliff view before turning back for chocolate chip cookies and coffees at Huggin a Mug café. Definitely a trail to do without little ones.

A change of hotel — and scene

One of the pools at Iberostar Selection Anthelia, which offers daily exercise classes

Halfway through we change hotels and head 20 minutes’ drive south to the more bustling Costa Adeje to stay at Iberostar Selection Anthelia, another mammoth hotel suited to young families. While Reggie has discos and activities in the kids’ area, I join in with the daily exercise class led by twinkly-eyed Mario in the main (thankfully heated) pool. “Beautiful”, “lovely”, yells Mario from the pool’s edge as about twenty hotel guests ranging from their twenties to their seventies jump around happily with foam noodles.

• Read our full guide to Tenerife

Exploring Mount Teide, toddler style

Mount Teide is Spain’s highest peak

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As Tenerife first-timers, the island’s most famous attraction, Mount Teide, also Spain’s highest peak (3,715m), feels like a must. Up early one morning, after a drive-by at the buffet (pancakes, custard pastries, cakes, hot chocolates for the two-year-old; “we’re on holiday”, we tell ourselves), we drive for an hour of sharp bends, descending fog and the current favourite song, Colonel Hathi’s March (“hup, two, three, four”), from The Jungle Book, on repeat. “It’s definitely brightening up”; “there’s blue sky over there”, we say as the landscape changes from lush pines to lunar rock formations. We’re not hiking up the volcano but have bought two online tickets for the 9.10am cable car to take us up to a height of 3,555m in a matter of minutes instead.

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Except, on arrival, we learn that the cable car is closed for the morning because there are winds of 80mph at the top and, besides, only children aged three and up are allowed. (We’d wrongly assumed that you couldn’t buy tickets online for two-year-olds because they go free.)

The aristocratic northern town of La Orotava receives few British visitors

Brightly coloured houses in the aristocratic town of La Orotava

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Ah well. We’re at least higher than the clouds now and the sky is blue so we pivot and instead go for a walk in the Teide National Park clambering up the towering rocks and pocked Star Trek-esque terrain. “Lizard Hunt” round two.

Then we’re back down the volcano (“hup, two, three, four”) to La Orotava, an aristocratic town in the north which has far more beautiful architecture and far fewer British tourists. It’s raining (stay south with the Brits if you want the sun) so after a soggy stroll among the gardens we duck into the Club Social Liceo Taoro for dulce de leche biscuits and more hot chocolates. Wet weather plus toddler doesn’t equal calm and enjoyable exploration of architecture, which is how we find ourselves at the lunchtime parrot show at Loro Parque, the island’s zoo.

Back to the beach

En route back south, we first head off the main road to find one of the island’s guachinche, a traditional family-run restaurant. Nestled in a banana plantation is El Rincon de Edu, unassuming but reassuringly full of locals, where we squabble over who gets the most papas arrugadas: small salt-flecked baked potatoes that you dip in red or green mojo sauces. After befriending the restaurant’s cats, Reggie totters outside to find his pudding: two ripe bananas plucked from the tree.

Costa Adeje’s seafront has mini-golf and soft play

Adventuring achieved, we spend the final day on Costa Adeje’s seafront promenade. Reggie plays mini-golf, tears around the beachside soft play (Adventure Land) and negotiates multiple ice creams. I’m at peace with the changed goalposts of what makes a satisfying break. Avoid the tourist-stuffed Playa de las Americas in the south of the town and instead walk north to the quieter Playa del Duque. This end is more pink bougainvillea, less Burger King. Just in time, we learn a good lesson: if you book a 6.15pm table at SeaSoul (one of the Iberostar hotel’s four restaurants) you’ll be eating locally caught grilled octopus and fat, juicy prawns on the oceanfront as the sun sets. Plus, you can bring your child and dodge any Whatsapp baby monitor debacles. A win.
Laura Pullman was a guest of Ritz-Carlton Tenerife, Abama, which has B&B doubles from £240 (ritzcarlton.com) and Iberostar Selection Anthelia, which has all-inclusive doubles from £213 (iberostar.com). Fly to Tenerife