You’ll either love cruising or you won’t. Over the past 20 years it has, for me, proved a glamorous way to travel that’s offered adventures, chances to meet amazing people and see places I’d never have been able to get to by other means. But I’ve also learnt a lot about cruise culture, from tipping to dress codes. Here are all the mistakes I’ve made so you don’t have to.
1. Being sniffy about cruise holidays
My first cruise was in April 2004, a three-night jaunt around the Channel Islands and northern France with my sister, Gemma, and extended family to celebrate a big anniversary. I had to be persuaded to go. Standing on the dock at Southampton before boarding I had something akin to a religious conversion. I got goose bumps at the sight of the towering steel beauty that was Queen Mary 2 and was awed by this extraordinary feat of engineering. On board, I had a long weekend of joyful escapism, necking calvados and disappearing into the spa. It’s been pure love ever since. The week before, as my sister often reminds me, I had declared: “I’d rather chop off my own arm and barbecue it than go on this stupid ship.” I was wrong. Gemma hasn’t suggested outdoor grilling since.
Queen Mary 2 is Cunard’s flagship
ALAMY
2. Being even more sniffy about river cruise holidays
After that, you’d think I would have been more open-minded, but no, it took me another 19 years to set foot on a river cruise ship. All the glorious grandes dames of the sea I’d been on during those years meant I thought a river ship wouldn’t be a proper adventure. Too stuffy, too boring, too slow. I was wrong about that too. It is the best way to travel for the inherently nosey — because the ships can sail close to the riverbank you can see into gardens and homes, and weddings and vineyards slip past you as vignettes. Docking under the Chain Bridge in Budapest was more thrilling than arriving at any of the grubby city ports on board an ocean ship. A bonus is that without space for gigantic theatres there isn’t the often cheesy entertainment.
3. Not considering an inside cabin
I suffer from terrifying insomnia and many nights I’m lucky if I manage three hours’ solid kip — apart from when I’m on an ocean-going ship. Even in the fiercest storm bouldering about the Bay of Biscay I can still catch quality zeds. I attribute that to the joy of the inside cabin. Yes it’s like sleeping in a cupboard: there’s no natural light, no balcony and because you’re usually in the middle of the ship, not much noise. Perfect conditions if you need to live like a mole. In many instances an inside cabin has made an otherwise out-of-my budget ship affordable too, as prices can be 10 to 40 per cent lower than rooms with a balcony. Plus they force you to get out, use all of the public spaces and meet people.
• Discover our full guide to cruise holidays
4. Getting off at every port
Cruising has introduced me to some surprising spots I would never have made an effort for if they hadn’t been on cruise itineraries such as Sa Dec in Vietnam, Bratislava in Slovakia and Passau in Germany. Gibraltar is not one of those places. On the last occasion I was there I took the cable car to the top of the Rock with my cruise-loving sister. The moment we stepped onto the peak we were confronted by one of the barbary macaques. The cute welcoming party abruptly turned vicious, getting its claws into my canvas handbag (that contained my camera and my ID) resulting in an unladylike wrestling and hissing match. A mere ten minutes after arriving we retreated back to the ship having wasted £30 each on cable car fares. The view I enjoyed most was Gibraltar fading away from my heated spa bed on board.
5. Failing to embrace change
We were supposed to be docking in Palermo, Sicily, but because of some local snafu our ship was diverted to Messina. I was gutted and furious because I had a cycling excursion and a cooking class booked. It was a Sunday in Messina and when we got off the ship nearly everything was shut. I climbed the tower of the astronomical clock and then gave up, heading to a bar for a beer. The bar owner must have heard my kvetching about how boring I thought the city was. He ushered me into the kitchen and lifted the lid on his granita machine, to show the silkiest looking chocolate cream. I can still taste it 13 years on. The lesson? When on a ship plans can change and that isn’t always bad.
A surprise docking at Messina led to a lifelong memory for Laura
ALAMY
6. Forgetting the envelopes
Tipping is a minefield in all settings and I cringe when I try the “cool guy tipping handshake” aiming to pass, palm-to-palm, crumpled notes as if nobody can see what I’m up to. Some cruise lines have moved to a central tips box system that can mean the engineers and other backroom staff get a cut too. Better yet is when tips are included from the get-go, which is now often the case. But either way I like to leave something extra for the three most important people: my room steward, favourite waiter and bar staff (who by day two will recognise a creature of habit: Laphroaig, no ice). I now pack blank envelopes, pre-stuffed with US dollars, to spare my blushes.
7. Not keeping a tally
Something about being on a cruise means I take leave of my senses and forget there will be a bill at the end; a facial at the spa here, a purse in the onboard shop there, the last-minute excursion that drops another £150 on the tab. On some cruise lines you can see what’s owed via the TV or an app — but I also keep my own spreadsheet, because writing it down makes it real. Nothing worse than a month living on toast post-holiday.
8. Chronic overpacking
There’s a reason many high-end fashion houses still do a “cruise collection”, and while dress codes vary, cruising is always an excuse to get my glad rags on — you will never find me at the buffet in my joggers. I don’t like to be seen in an outfit twice either, which means I am prone to overpacking resort wear and posh frocks. I’ve learnt to cut that down by taking epic amounts of jewellery to jazz up any look. There are some lines (Cunard and Regent Seven Seas Cruises, for example) where the dress code encourages a level of formality and, men, that means you will need a tux. If that’s not your bag then Virgin Voyages, where shorts, flip-flops or a tutu are equally acceptable attire, is a great option.
Laura, right, and her sister Gemma on a Rhône cruise
9. Waiting 40 years to see the Nile
Sure, you can see Egypt by land, but taking in the country’s treasures from the river remains the most extraordinary journey I’ve experienced. Like Alaska and parts of Vietnam, Egypt is better by boat. If you’re curious about a cruise, or think you’ll only do one, then make it the Nile. The Valley of the Kings, Luxor and Aswan will blow your mind like nothing else and the sites only get more intense the further south you sail. Arriving shortly after sunset to find the 2nd century BC temple of Kom Ombo lit up — docking so close we only needed to stumble off the boat — was magic, earlier this year. I implore you, sling some envelopes, all of your frocks and your jewellery into a suitcase and go now.
• 18 of the best luxury Nile cruises for 2025
What are the mistakes you’ve made while cruising? Let us know in the comments below
